Those who know me know I love to study on marriage and family! I keep several marriage books in the drawer on my night stand that I picked up off and on. I just recently took a pick of one of those great books and it has been SOO good - and I'm only on Chapter Two! :) It's called "Courtship After Marriage" by Zig Ziglar.
In Chapter Two of his book, Zig inserted a 20 question quiz to determine where you are at in your marriage in regards to courtship. I've typed the quiz below for you all to test yourselves and your marriage. Encourage your spouse to take this quiz too and then you can see where each other score and compare answers (which will open the door for communication).
I really like the way Zig introduces this quiz, he says that you will probably discover that your marriage is not where you thought it was or where your spouse thought it was, but you will discover where your marriage really is.
Few things to remember, think about each answer and answer honestly. Remember that this is not to make you feel like your marriage is failing - please be encouraged that you are taking the first step in the right direction by finding out the state of your marriage so then you can work from it. As I took this test I found there were definitely areas I want to work on. So pencils up! Write down your answers to each question so you can total a score at the end.
1. We hold hands...
a. several times a day, especially when walking or in public
b. two or three times a week-whether we need to or not
c. occasionally-but not usually
d. never or almost never
2. I am able to share with my spouse...
a. the good and the bad of each day-and both of us enjoy the sharing
b. the good things that happen, but usually not the bad
c. once or twice a week-but usually we're just too busy
d. very little of what happens in my life-it's just too volatile and not worth the risk
3. We talk about...
a. what's happening in our lives and how we feel about things
b. the events of life-but we have to be very careful about sharing feelings, it's risky
c. some things, but quite a few areas are out of bounds in terms of our talking about them
d. just the basics-the kids, the car, the schedule, the budget
4. Our physical or sexual relationship is...
a. excellent-in fact it's better than when we first married
b. regular and pretty satisfying-but seldom dramatic ("dramatic"...makes me laugh, thanks Zig)
c. "hit or miss"
d. almost more trouble than it's worth
5. In our relationship, romance...
a. isn't just tied to sex, but is an integral part of every day-a touch of the hand, a shared look across the room, a special gift for no occasion
b. is part of most occasions when we make love, but usually not at other times
c. usually blooms on special occasions such as Valentine's, anniversary, etc
d. seems to have gone the way of the nickel candy bar
6. In our marriage, money is...
a. a subject we handle as a partnership
b. a subject we try to avoid
c. a source of occasional conflict
d. the trigger for ongoing marital war
7. In our marriage, most decisions, especially major ones, are made...
a. jointly, after thorough discussions
b. usually by just one of us
c. only after the trauma of major conflict
d. only after postponement due to war-and sometimes not at all
8. We handle conflict...
a. by facing it-and each other-head-on, lovingly sharing feelings, listening to each other, perhaps even holding hands while we're having the discussion, then "making up"
b. by ignoring it mostly-we have very little conflict-but the exceptions can be explosive and deadly
c. pretty well occasionally-but some topics produce a lot of bloodshed name calling, and "low blows"
d. very poorly-we dredge up the past, call names, inflict a lot of pain and threats, even though we should be good at this since we argue a lot
9. We go out on dates...
a. regularly, at least weekly, and we enjoy them
b. once or twice a month-and usually we have a good time
c. occasionally-and sometimes we even enjoy them
d. not at all-isn't dating for unmarried people?
10. My view of marriage is...
a. a lifelong commitment, a shared partnership, the best relationship possible between two humans
b. the same as "a" officially, but we occasionally threaten or discuss wanting to be out of the marriage
c. like that of my spouse-we both seem to feel we're not "quite right" for each other, but we'll probably stick it out
d. if the marriage survives, it may take a miracle
11. My spouse is...
a. my best friend, my lover and only romantic interest, and my life partner
b. two of the above (you pick 'em)
c. one of the above
d. none of the above-but at least we're still together, even if only by a thread
12. Our marriage relationship...
a. takes work, but it's worth it-the rewards far exceed the cost of the effort
b. has been pretty easy, but at times I feel we need to work harder
c. often seems it isn't quite worth the effort it takes
d. doesn't get much effort anymore
13. My spouse accepts me...
a. unconditionally, with genuine acceptance and love, flaws and all-just as I am
b. most of the time, but he/she would sure like to change a few things
c. as is, but also as a "project" because he/she is constantly letting me know how I need to improve
d. did you say accepts...I feel I'm given the ultimatum, "improve or else!"
14. I accept my spouse...
a. unconditionally, good and bad, strengths and flaws
b. pretty much, but there are some needed changes
c. to a degree, but I"m trying to get those changes made
d. I've come close to giving up on trying to get those changes made
d. I've come close to giving up on trying to change him/her-the accepting part I gave up on a long time ago
15. Spiritually, we...
a. are right together in our commitment to a shared personal faith in god
b. both have a strong faith, but we disagree on some key issues
c. have little interest-and that seems to be OK with both of us most of the time
d. seem to be at war over spiritual issues a lot of the time
16. When it comes to areas of disagreement, such as how strict to be with the kids or whether to make a major purchase, we...
a. discuss all sides and possibilities, then agree on a resolution
b. decide who will give in (usually me-usually him/her), in other words, one of us rules the roost
c. move from discussion to major conflict-often without successful resolution-or one of the us just withdraws
d. add the question to our list of "battle issues" in our ongoing, marital conflict
17. Being away from each other, even briefly as on an overnight business trip...
a. constitutes a hard-to-endure time during which we both look forward eagerly to reunion-and we really do enjoy "the reunion"
b. is something we've become more used to over time-but we still really miss each other
c. constitutes something that can give us some relief from conflict, hassles, etc
d. has come to be viewed as a high point in our "existence"
18. If I had my choice...
a. my spouse and I would spend an extended time together on a trip to some special enjoyable place
b. we'd do a short trip together-we seem to become bored with each other
c. we wouldn't go anywhere together-it's not worth the hassles, besides there are too many responsibilities at home
d. I'd take an extended trip to Tahiti-without my spouse
19. Weekend or overnight "romantic" getaways are...
a. regular items-scheduled-and sources of great enjoyment
b. occasional treats-wish they could be more often
c. items we feature much less on our schedule than we used to
d. part of our past-if we ever included them
20. Our other friendships (with couples, individuals, etc)...
a. never precede our relationship with each other, but they actually seem to strengthen and enhance our relationship
b. can either help us or, as sometimes happens, detract from our relationship
c. are non-existent-we have no other friends, just the two of us
d. are a source of continual problems and conflicts
SCORING: To determine the status of the Courtship Factor in your marriage, give yourself 5 points for every "a", 3 points for every "b", 1 point for every "c", and zero for every "d" answer. Then go back and add up your points, how did you rate?
80-100 You're courting-keep up the good work
60-80 You need a "courtship tune-up"
40-60 I recommend you start courting-and fast.
Less than 40 You probably need more than just a book, you may need a counselor, pronto
How'd you do? I will honestly say that I saw a lot of areas of my marriage that could be improved! For some of you, this test may have been a big eye-opener to some holes in your marriage. For those that answered mainly "c" or "d" answers, my heart goes out to you and your marriage. God did not intend for your marriage to be in this state - He desires for you to have all the wonderful things He planned for your marriage - and He still can change your marriage!! I encourage each of you reading to take some time to pray, maybe even fast and pray, over some specific changes you would like to see changed in your marriage. Come back periodically and re-quiz your marriage and see if your score improves!
Let me end this post with some encouraging words from Zig: "I believe you can make a bad relationship much, much better and a good relationship magnificent" I want to strive for my marriage to be and always be magnificent!
Tiffany
Look for more marriage tips and encouragement to follow on this blog in the future!
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