While browsing my favorite website...Pinterest...I ran across this blog with a 31 day challenge to pray for your husband everyday. So I took on the challenge in February and I prayed daily for Mo throughout the month. I printed the prayers on cards and at the end of each day I gave Mo the card so he could read what I had been praying that day. I enjoyed it but I think I really had my hopes up that it was going to be this *all amazing thing*...and it wasn't. I'm not putting the challenge down nor would I not recommend it, but I think I found something even better. :) Two weeks ago I wrote down about 5 or 6 specific things I wanted to pray for over Mo, and I set my own challenge! I set a two week fast for myself - fasting candy (I love candy, I mean looove) and I've been praying daily for these things specific items. I decided to keep this challenge between just me & the Lord so Mo has no clue. The strange thing is that I feel God has been changing me over these past two weeks. I see God working these things for Mo too, but I have really felt God working on me.
So I want to present this challenge - write down some specific things to pray over your spouse about, set a time frame - week, two week - whatever you feel, and pick out something to fast. I have learned so much about fasting with praying, it's amazing how God responses when we fast & pray! If you have never tried it you are missing out on a blessing! Fast something you normally eat daily or something you do (watch TV, check Facebook, etc) everyday. You don't want to fast something that you won't miss, I didn't pick something like cake because I'm not a cake fan (icing...totally different story). Pick something you really will feel the pain from. I know that sounds terrible BUT boy when I wanted some candy over the past two weeks guess what came to my mind? Mo, and my prayers for him, and my committment to God to fast & pray. You may think you don't have to fast and that's fine, but I really put that challenge to you just to try it.
Take on the Challenge - but ready...God may want to make some changes in you too! :)
In case you are interested, here's the 31 Day Challenge.
To Outstanding Marriages!
Tiff :)
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
6 Ways to be a Better Wife!
About a year ago I was asked to speak on marriage at a ladies meeting at our church. In light of sharing about marriage on my blog I felt it would be good to post what I shared that evening. It was directed towards the wife more than the husband, sorry ladies but you can't print this out and tell your husband to read it ;) This is for you - and I promise you if you start applying some of these things to your life and your marriage you will see a change in your husband!
If you have surrendered your life to the Lord, we should be striving to keep God as the top priority of our lifes, but who is supposed to be first in our human relationships as wives? Our husbands. Is your husband in that rightful position in your life? (Is God in His??) It takes an effort to make and keep God first in our lives doesn’t it? Well it takes an effort on our parts to make & keep our husbands our top priorty in our human relationships. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Proverbs 18:22. This verse is special to me because God used this verse during Mo's proposal to me. It says "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord" So what kind of wife are you? Are you a good find? Would your husband still say that you are even after years of marriage? If not, what do you need to do or change to be a good find? (God had to remind me of things I need to change and get back to as well)
These are some things I have learned and try to incorporate as a wife:
Be a Praying Wife
Pray for your husband, your family, your marriage every single day. I said it takes an effort on our part - every day. Pray specifically! Did you know that James Dobson fasts and prays every Tuesday for his children? I wonder how different even our churches & children would be if all Christian fathers/mothers did that! I have in my Bible a list of things I pray over Mo; make a list of things you can pray for your husband about - few suggestions are to pray for him spiritually, to be a loving husband and spiritual leader, pray for his job, etc. If you’re not sure, ask him what you can pray about for him on a daily or weekly basis.
As a little insert while on this topic of prayer, one of my close friends has a rebellious and possibly unsaved husband. She gave this word of encouragement to pass on to those in similar situations:
There is a time where you come to a realization that there is nothing you can do to change your husband or bring him to God. You have to give him over to God. You need to trust in God that he will deal with him. God's timing is perfect. Even though we want to have our husbands saved, and become a leader of our family overnight, we need to be patient and wait upon the Lord. This is where prayer comes in. Prayer is the most important piece of this puzzle. Even though we may not hear from the Lord personally, know that whoever you are praying for…the Lord is speaking to him.
Another thing for me is that I have to pray for the Lord to help me love my husband. There was a time where I felt nothing but disgust and sorrow over the things he's done, said, and even questioned if there is a God. With continuous prayer and trust in the Lord, I know that He is taking care of my husband. He has certainly helped me see the good in him and to love those attributes instead of the negative.
Also, it is important for the wife to set the example for the husband. I believe that the husband will eventually see the Holy Spirit shine in his wife's life and will want that for himself. To me, setting an example for the household is the hardest thing to do. This is where you need to focus on yourself, give yourself over to the Lord, and live for the Lord. Pray, pray, pray, and let the Lord guide you, your actions, and your thoughts.
Be a Preparing Wife
How many of your husband’s would be questioning where you really were today if each of you freshened up your hair and make up before going home?? ;) I know some of us think, “well my husband knows what I look like when I’m really fixed up, and I’m tired”….effort ladies!! I have a full time job and when I leave work for the day the last thing I want to do is freshen up before seeing Mo. I just want to go home and relax but we want to keep our man interested! I’m sure you’ve all heard before - pretend like your dating again. When I was dating Mo he would come by sometimes in the evening and you better believe it I had my makeup and hair fixed up! Your husband will feel so important and this is all a part of putting him as our top priority.
Another thing you can prepare is your home, if you are home before he is or you are a stay at home mom try and prepare the home for your husband’s arrival. Clean up, clean up toys, and make the home a good place for him to come home to. And don't forget to freshen yourself too! :)
Be a Pure Wife
Some more of my favorite verses...Proverbs 31:11-12 says "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." – does your husband safely trust in you? Do you represent a pure woman and wife in your mouth, actions, motives...several women in the Bible got in trouble with that one... Do you make it easy for your husband to safely trust you?
One way to help with this is to set some standards in your marriage. While Mo & I were dating we had standards for our dating relationship and we also had a list of tempting situations to avoid. When we got married we rolled that mind set into our marriage and set some marriage standards. I want to share just a couple in regards to staying pure from our standards. In no way would I say that you need to put these specific ones in your marriage, but I would encourage you to set some kind of standards. TOO many marriages are destroyed due to infidelity and standards keep you away from the line of danger. To name a couple of our standards and boundaries, we do not have personal phone calls or emails with those of the opposite sex. It may seem harmless but if that man wants to be better friends with you rather than your husband, there’s a problem - and vise versa if a woman would rather be friends with your husband. We do not allow anyone of the opposite sex to be in our home when we are by ourselves. I feel you are putting yourself in a dangerous position if you do. These are just a couple of our standards. They may seem crazy, but I feel they are protecting our marriage and our purity. We all still have to live with this flesh and it cannot be trusted.
To read further on purity in your marriage, read Proverbs chapters 4 – 7.
Be a Positive Wife
Ephesians 4:29 says "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." Another one of our standards is not speak bad about each other, even in joking. We never wanted to be like those couples that were constantly picking at each other or making jokes about each other, yes it can be funny but it can be hurtful or reach that level of being hurtful and it can make you bitter or cause you to get negative thoughts in your mind about your spouse. Wouldn’t satan just love that…that’s when he will try and hang the bait in front of your face to make you fall and destroy your marriage.
You will reap what you sow. If you are tearing down your husband with your words you will reap a defeated and probably bitter husband. But if you are having edifying words coming out of your mouth will reap an uplifted, strong husband! Your husband needs to hear that you are proud of him, that he is a great husband, a great friend, a great provider - he needs your support! Beth Moore says that a man’s number one insecurity is the inability to provide for his family. We are the support staff to our husband! Take on that role with all your heart, your husband needs you to encourage and edify him. I wonder how many of you would take a commitment to only say things to your husband this week that are good to the use of edifying. It’s scriptural; we just read it in verse 29. I bet if you do it for one week you will see some changes.
Along the same thread, Mo & I made a commitment when we got married to never use what we call the “D-Word” (divorce). We committed to never threaten or use that word when arguing. You reap what you sow, remember that!
Be a Protective Wife
I'm not talking about being a jealous wife, but be protective of your time with your husband. When it’s time to spend with him avoid your cell phone, text messages, or home phone. Devote time solely to him and for him. In your ministry or life there’s a time to say yes to do things, even church things, and times to say no to keep your husband as your number one human priority, even above church serving. I know this sounds bad and some women may disagree with me, but yes God comes first in our lives and we are to serve Him, but He has called us to a specific place to serve – as wives and to serve our husband. Us serving our husbands IS serving God!
Be a Probing Wife
Again..I'm not talking about probing into your husband’s life (you ladies are bad for thinking such things) :) Probe yourself. Continue to review yourself and check up on yourself. Make sure you continue to grow, there is so much out there on marriage and family – study, grow and learn from other’s experiences and failures and apply new things.
I want to recommend an excellent, life-changing book to add to your night stand - it's called “A Woman After God’s Own Heart” by Elizabeth George. It is an excellent book, one of my favorites! I was given it as a wedding gift and told it would be a gift for Mo too - and he would tell you that it has been! I have read it and re-read it and even lead a Bible Study on it. If anyone was interested in the study please contact me and I would be more than happy to send you the worksheets.
So how are you going to continue to grow and change as a wife? I know I need to!!! Remember, it takes EFFORT! Work for it ladies!! ;)
Tiff :)
If you have surrendered your life to the Lord, we should be striving to keep God as the top priority of our lifes, but who is supposed to be first in our human relationships as wives? Our husbands. Is your husband in that rightful position in your life? (Is God in His??) It takes an effort to make and keep God first in our lives doesn’t it? Well it takes an effort on our parts to make & keep our husbands our top priorty in our human relationships. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Proverbs 18:22. This verse is special to me because God used this verse during Mo's proposal to me. It says "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord" So what kind of wife are you? Are you a good find? Would your husband still say that you are even after years of marriage? If not, what do you need to do or change to be a good find? (God had to remind me of things I need to change and get back to as well)
These are some things I have learned and try to incorporate as a wife:
Be a Praying Wife
Pray for your husband, your family, your marriage every single day. I said it takes an effort on our part - every day. Pray specifically! Did you know that James Dobson fasts and prays every Tuesday for his children? I wonder how different even our churches & children would be if all Christian fathers/mothers did that! I have in my Bible a list of things I pray over Mo; make a list of things you can pray for your husband about - few suggestions are to pray for him spiritually, to be a loving husband and spiritual leader, pray for his job, etc. If you’re not sure, ask him what you can pray about for him on a daily or weekly basis.
As a little insert while on this topic of prayer, one of my close friends has a rebellious and possibly unsaved husband. She gave this word of encouragement to pass on to those in similar situations:
There is a time where you come to a realization that there is nothing you can do to change your husband or bring him to God. You have to give him over to God. You need to trust in God that he will deal with him. God's timing is perfect. Even though we want to have our husbands saved, and become a leader of our family overnight, we need to be patient and wait upon the Lord. This is where prayer comes in. Prayer is the most important piece of this puzzle. Even though we may not hear from the Lord personally, know that whoever you are praying for…the Lord is speaking to him.
Another thing for me is that I have to pray for the Lord to help me love my husband. There was a time where I felt nothing but disgust and sorrow over the things he's done, said, and even questioned if there is a God. With continuous prayer and trust in the Lord, I know that He is taking care of my husband. He has certainly helped me see the good in him and to love those attributes instead of the negative.
Also, it is important for the wife to set the example for the husband. I believe that the husband will eventually see the Holy Spirit shine in his wife's life and will want that for himself. To me, setting an example for the household is the hardest thing to do. This is where you need to focus on yourself, give yourself over to the Lord, and live for the Lord. Pray, pray, pray, and let the Lord guide you, your actions, and your thoughts.
Be a Preparing Wife
How many of your husband’s would be questioning where you really were today if each of you freshened up your hair and make up before going home?? ;) I know some of us think, “well my husband knows what I look like when I’m really fixed up, and I’m tired”….effort ladies!! I have a full time job and when I leave work for the day the last thing I want to do is freshen up before seeing Mo. I just want to go home and relax but we want to keep our man interested! I’m sure you’ve all heard before - pretend like your dating again. When I was dating Mo he would come by sometimes in the evening and you better believe it I had my makeup and hair fixed up! Your husband will feel so important and this is all a part of putting him as our top priority.
Another thing you can prepare is your home, if you are home before he is or you are a stay at home mom try and prepare the home for your husband’s arrival. Clean up, clean up toys, and make the home a good place for him to come home to. And don't forget to freshen yourself too! :)
Be a Pure Wife
Some more of my favorite verses...Proverbs 31:11-12 says "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." – does your husband safely trust in you? Do you represent a pure woman and wife in your mouth, actions, motives...several women in the Bible got in trouble with that one... Do you make it easy for your husband to safely trust you?
One way to help with this is to set some standards in your marriage. While Mo & I were dating we had standards for our dating relationship and we also had a list of tempting situations to avoid. When we got married we rolled that mind set into our marriage and set some marriage standards. I want to share just a couple in regards to staying pure from our standards. In no way would I say that you need to put these specific ones in your marriage, but I would encourage you to set some kind of standards. TOO many marriages are destroyed due to infidelity and standards keep you away from the line of danger. To name a couple of our standards and boundaries, we do not have personal phone calls or emails with those of the opposite sex. It may seem harmless but if that man wants to be better friends with you rather than your husband, there’s a problem - and vise versa if a woman would rather be friends with your husband. We do not allow anyone of the opposite sex to be in our home when we are by ourselves. I feel you are putting yourself in a dangerous position if you do. These are just a couple of our standards. They may seem crazy, but I feel they are protecting our marriage and our purity. We all still have to live with this flesh and it cannot be trusted.
To read further on purity in your marriage, read Proverbs chapters 4 – 7.
Be a Positive Wife
Ephesians 4:29 says "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." Another one of our standards is not speak bad about each other, even in joking. We never wanted to be like those couples that were constantly picking at each other or making jokes about each other, yes it can be funny but it can be hurtful or reach that level of being hurtful and it can make you bitter or cause you to get negative thoughts in your mind about your spouse. Wouldn’t satan just love that…that’s when he will try and hang the bait in front of your face to make you fall and destroy your marriage.
You will reap what you sow. If you are tearing down your husband with your words you will reap a defeated and probably bitter husband. But if you are having edifying words coming out of your mouth will reap an uplifted, strong husband! Your husband needs to hear that you are proud of him, that he is a great husband, a great friend, a great provider - he needs your support! Beth Moore says that a man’s number one insecurity is the inability to provide for his family. We are the support staff to our husband! Take on that role with all your heart, your husband needs you to encourage and edify him. I wonder how many of you would take a commitment to only say things to your husband this week that are good to the use of edifying. It’s scriptural; we just read it in verse 29. I bet if you do it for one week you will see some changes.
Along the same thread, Mo & I made a commitment when we got married to never use what we call the “D-Word” (divorce). We committed to never threaten or use that word when arguing. You reap what you sow, remember that!
Be a Protective Wife
I'm not talking about being a jealous wife, but be protective of your time with your husband. When it’s time to spend with him avoid your cell phone, text messages, or home phone. Devote time solely to him and for him. In your ministry or life there’s a time to say yes to do things, even church things, and times to say no to keep your husband as your number one human priority, even above church serving. I know this sounds bad and some women may disagree with me, but yes God comes first in our lives and we are to serve Him, but He has called us to a specific place to serve – as wives and to serve our husband. Us serving our husbands IS serving God!
Be a Probing Wife
Again..I'm not talking about probing into your husband’s life (you ladies are bad for thinking such things) :) Probe yourself. Continue to review yourself and check up on yourself. Make sure you continue to grow, there is so much out there on marriage and family – study, grow and learn from other’s experiences and failures and apply new things.
I want to recommend an excellent, life-changing book to add to your night stand - it's called “A Woman After God’s Own Heart” by Elizabeth George. It is an excellent book, one of my favorites! I was given it as a wedding gift and told it would be a gift for Mo too - and he would tell you that it has been! I have read it and re-read it and even lead a Bible Study on it. If anyone was interested in the study please contact me and I would be more than happy to send you the worksheets.
So how are you going to continue to grow and change as a wife? I know I need to!!! Remember, it takes EFFORT! Work for it ladies!! ;)
Simple "Rules for a Happy Marriage" I found online!
Tiff :)
Thursday, April 12, 2012
How Does Your Marriage Score? 20 Questions
Lately it has been on my heart to start using this blog to share things about marriage. I feel there is so much to learn, and sometimes things I've learned are easily forgotten... Marriage and family are the core of our society – I think satan knows to strike at the core in order to destroy everything. The only way to stay strong during his blows is to be grounded in God’s Word and consistently in prayer. My husband & I have been married for almost 11 years and we in no wise have a perfect marriage - we still have a lot to learn and a lot to work on, which is why I want to constantly be growing in this area and not become too content.
Those who know me know I love to study on marriage and family! I keep several marriage books in the drawer on my night stand that I picked up off and on. I just recently took a pick of one of those great books and it has been SOO good - and I'm only on Chapter Two! :) It's called "Courtship After Marriage" by Zig Ziglar.
In Chapter Two of his book, Zig inserted a 20 question quiz to determine where you are at in your marriage in regards to courtship. I've typed the quiz below for you all to test yourselves and your marriage. Encourage your spouse to take this quiz too and then you can see where each other score and compare answers (which will open the door for communication).
I really like the way Zig introduces this quiz, he says that you will probably discover that your marriage is not where you thought it was or where your spouse thought it was, but you will discover where your marriage really is.
Few things to remember, think about each answer and answer honestly. Remember that this is not to make you feel like your marriage is failing - please be encouraged that you are taking the first step in the right direction by finding out the state of your marriage so then you can work from it. As I took this test I found there were definitely areas I want to work on. So pencils up! Write down your answers to each question so you can total a score at the end.
1. We hold hands...
a. several times a day, especially when walking or in public
b. two or three times a week-whether we need to or not
c. occasionally-but not usually
d. never or almost never
2. I am able to share with my spouse...
a. the good and the bad of each day-and both of us enjoy the sharing
b. the good things that happen, but usually not the bad
c. once or twice a week-but usually we're just too busy
d. very little of what happens in my life-it's just too volatile and not worth the risk
3. We talk about...
a. what's happening in our lives and how we feel about things
b. the events of life-but we have to be very careful about sharing feelings, it's risky
c. some things, but quite a few areas are out of bounds in terms of our talking about them
d. just the basics-the kids, the car, the schedule, the budget
4. Our physical or sexual relationship is...
a. excellent-in fact it's better than when we first married
b. regular and pretty satisfying-but seldom dramatic ("dramatic"...makes me laugh, thanks Zig)
c. "hit or miss"
d. almost more trouble than it's worth
5. In our relationship, romance...
a. isn't just tied to sex, but is an integral part of every day-a touch of the hand, a shared look across the room, a special gift for no occasion
b. is part of most occasions when we make love, but usually not at other times
c. usually blooms on special occasions such as Valentine's, anniversary, etc
d. seems to have gone the way of the nickel candy bar
6. In our marriage, money is...
a. a subject we handle as a partnership
b. a subject we try to avoid
c. a source of occasional conflict
d. the trigger for ongoing marital war
7. In our marriage, most decisions, especially major ones, are made...
a. jointly, after thorough discussions
b. usually by just one of us
c. only after the trauma of major conflict
d. only after postponement due to war-and sometimes not at all
8. We handle conflict...
a. by facing it-and each other-head-on, lovingly sharing feelings, listening to each other, perhaps even holding hands while we're having the discussion, then "making up"
b. by ignoring it mostly-we have very little conflict-but the exceptions can be explosive and deadly
c. pretty well occasionally-but some topics produce a lot of bloodshed name calling, and "low blows"
d. very poorly-we dredge up the past, call names, inflict a lot of pain and threats, even though we should be good at this since we argue a lot
9. We go out on dates...
a. regularly, at least weekly, and we enjoy them
b. once or twice a month-and usually we have a good time
c. occasionally-and sometimes we even enjoy them
d. not at all-isn't dating for unmarried people?
10. My view of marriage is...
a. a lifelong commitment, a shared partnership, the best relationship possible between two humans
b. the same as "a" officially, but we occasionally threaten or discuss wanting to be out of the marriage
c. like that of my spouse-we both seem to feel we're not "quite right" for each other, but we'll probably stick it out
d. if the marriage survives, it may take a miracle
11. My spouse is...
a. my best friend, my lover and only romantic interest, and my life partner
b. two of the above (you pick 'em)
c. one of the above
d. none of the above-but at least we're still together, even if only by a thread
12. Our marriage relationship...
a. takes work, but it's worth it-the rewards far exceed the cost of the effort
b. has been pretty easy, but at times I feel we need to work harder
c. often seems it isn't quite worth the effort it takes
d. doesn't get much effort anymore
13. My spouse accepts me...
a. unconditionally, with genuine acceptance and love, flaws and all-just as I am
b. most of the time, but he/she would sure like to change a few things
c. as is, but also as a "project" because he/she is constantly letting me know how I need to improve
d. did you say accepts...I feel I'm given the ultimatum, "improve or else!"
14. I accept my spouse...
a. unconditionally, good and bad, strengths and flaws
b. pretty much, but there are some needed changes
c. to a degree, but I"m trying to get those changes made
d. I've come close to giving up on trying to get those changes made
d. I've come close to giving up on trying to change him/her-the accepting part I gave up on a long time ago
15. Spiritually, we...
a. are right together in our commitment to a shared personal faith in god
b. both have a strong faith, but we disagree on some key issues
c. have little interest-and that seems to be OK with both of us most of the time
d. seem to be at war over spiritual issues a lot of the time
16. When it comes to areas of disagreement, such as how strict to be with the kids or whether to make a major purchase, we...
a. discuss all sides and possibilities, then agree on a resolution
b. decide who will give in (usually me-usually him/her), in other words, one of us rules the roost
c. move from discussion to major conflict-often without successful resolution-or one of the us just withdraws
d. add the question to our list of "battle issues" in our ongoing, marital conflict
17. Being away from each other, even briefly as on an overnight business trip...
a. constitutes a hard-to-endure time during which we both look forward eagerly to reunion-and we really do enjoy "the reunion"
b. is something we've become more used to over time-but we still really miss each other
c. constitutes something that can give us some relief from conflict, hassles, etc
d. has come to be viewed as a high point in our "existence"
18. If I had my choice...
a. my spouse and I would spend an extended time together on a trip to some special enjoyable place
b. we'd do a short trip together-we seem to become bored with each other
c. we wouldn't go anywhere together-it's not worth the hassles, besides there are too many responsibilities at home
d. I'd take an extended trip to Tahiti-without my spouse
19. Weekend or overnight "romantic" getaways are...
a. regular items-scheduled-and sources of great enjoyment
b. occasional treats-wish they could be more often
c. items we feature much less on our schedule than we used to
d. part of our past-if we ever included them
20. Our other friendships (with couples, individuals, etc)...
a. never precede our relationship with each other, but they actually seem to strengthen and enhance our relationship
b. can either help us or, as sometimes happens, detract from our relationship
c. are non-existent-we have no other friends, just the two of us
d. are a source of continual problems and conflicts
SCORING: To determine the status of the Courtship Factor in your marriage, give yourself 5 points for every "a", 3 points for every "b", 1 point for every "c", and zero for every "d" answer. Then go back and add up your points, how did you rate?
80-100 You're courting-keep up the good work
60-80 You need a "courtship tune-up"
40-60 I recommend you start courting-and fast.
Less than 40 You probably need more than just a book, you may need a counselor, pronto
How'd you do? I will honestly say that I saw a lot of areas of my marriage that could be improved! For some of you, this test may have been a big eye-opener to some holes in your marriage. For those that answered mainly "c" or "d" answers, my heart goes out to you and your marriage. God did not intend for your marriage to be in this state - He desires for you to have all the wonderful things He planned for your marriage - and He still can change your marriage!! I encourage each of you reading to take some time to pray, maybe even fast and pray, over some specific changes you would like to see changed in your marriage. Come back periodically and re-quiz your marriage and see if your score improves!
Let me end this post with some encouraging words from Zig: "I believe you can make a bad relationship much, much better and a good relationship magnificent" I want to strive for my marriage to be and always be magnificent!
Tiffany
Look for more marriage tips and encouragement to follow on this blog in the future!
Those who know me know I love to study on marriage and family! I keep several marriage books in the drawer on my night stand that I picked up off and on. I just recently took a pick of one of those great books and it has been SOO good - and I'm only on Chapter Two! :) It's called "Courtship After Marriage" by Zig Ziglar.
In Chapter Two of his book, Zig inserted a 20 question quiz to determine where you are at in your marriage in regards to courtship. I've typed the quiz below for you all to test yourselves and your marriage. Encourage your spouse to take this quiz too and then you can see where each other score and compare answers (which will open the door for communication).
I really like the way Zig introduces this quiz, he says that you will probably discover that your marriage is not where you thought it was or where your spouse thought it was, but you will discover where your marriage really is.
Few things to remember, think about each answer and answer honestly. Remember that this is not to make you feel like your marriage is failing - please be encouraged that you are taking the first step in the right direction by finding out the state of your marriage so then you can work from it. As I took this test I found there were definitely areas I want to work on. So pencils up! Write down your answers to each question so you can total a score at the end.
1. We hold hands...
a. several times a day, especially when walking or in public
b. two or three times a week-whether we need to or not
c. occasionally-but not usually
d. never or almost never
2. I am able to share with my spouse...
a. the good and the bad of each day-and both of us enjoy the sharing
b. the good things that happen, but usually not the bad
c. once or twice a week-but usually we're just too busy
d. very little of what happens in my life-it's just too volatile and not worth the risk
3. We talk about...
a. what's happening in our lives and how we feel about things
b. the events of life-but we have to be very careful about sharing feelings, it's risky
c. some things, but quite a few areas are out of bounds in terms of our talking about them
d. just the basics-the kids, the car, the schedule, the budget
4. Our physical or sexual relationship is...
a. excellent-in fact it's better than when we first married
b. regular and pretty satisfying-but seldom dramatic ("dramatic"...makes me laugh, thanks Zig)
c. "hit or miss"
d. almost more trouble than it's worth
5. In our relationship, romance...
a. isn't just tied to sex, but is an integral part of every day-a touch of the hand, a shared look across the room, a special gift for no occasion
b. is part of most occasions when we make love, but usually not at other times
c. usually blooms on special occasions such as Valentine's, anniversary, etc
d. seems to have gone the way of the nickel candy bar
6. In our marriage, money is...
a. a subject we handle as a partnership
b. a subject we try to avoid
c. a source of occasional conflict
d. the trigger for ongoing marital war
7. In our marriage, most decisions, especially major ones, are made...
a. jointly, after thorough discussions
b. usually by just one of us
c. only after the trauma of major conflict
d. only after postponement due to war-and sometimes not at all
8. We handle conflict...
a. by facing it-and each other-head-on, lovingly sharing feelings, listening to each other, perhaps even holding hands while we're having the discussion, then "making up"
b. by ignoring it mostly-we have very little conflict-but the exceptions can be explosive and deadly
c. pretty well occasionally-but some topics produce a lot of bloodshed name calling, and "low blows"
d. very poorly-we dredge up the past, call names, inflict a lot of pain and threats, even though we should be good at this since we argue a lot
9. We go out on dates...
a. regularly, at least weekly, and we enjoy them
b. once or twice a month-and usually we have a good time
c. occasionally-and sometimes we even enjoy them
d. not at all-isn't dating for unmarried people?
10. My view of marriage is...
a. a lifelong commitment, a shared partnership, the best relationship possible between two humans
b. the same as "a" officially, but we occasionally threaten or discuss wanting to be out of the marriage
c. like that of my spouse-we both seem to feel we're not "quite right" for each other, but we'll probably stick it out
d. if the marriage survives, it may take a miracle
11. My spouse is...
a. my best friend, my lover and only romantic interest, and my life partner
b. two of the above (you pick 'em)
c. one of the above
d. none of the above-but at least we're still together, even if only by a thread
12. Our marriage relationship...
a. takes work, but it's worth it-the rewards far exceed the cost of the effort
b. has been pretty easy, but at times I feel we need to work harder
c. often seems it isn't quite worth the effort it takes
d. doesn't get much effort anymore
13. My spouse accepts me...
a. unconditionally, with genuine acceptance and love, flaws and all-just as I am
b. most of the time, but he/she would sure like to change a few things
c. as is, but also as a "project" because he/she is constantly letting me know how I need to improve
d. did you say accepts...I feel I'm given the ultimatum, "improve or else!"
14. I accept my spouse...
a. unconditionally, good and bad, strengths and flaws
b. pretty much, but there are some needed changes
c. to a degree, but I"m trying to get those changes made
d. I've come close to giving up on trying to get those changes made
d. I've come close to giving up on trying to change him/her-the accepting part I gave up on a long time ago
15. Spiritually, we...
a. are right together in our commitment to a shared personal faith in god
b. both have a strong faith, but we disagree on some key issues
c. have little interest-and that seems to be OK with both of us most of the time
d. seem to be at war over spiritual issues a lot of the time
16. When it comes to areas of disagreement, such as how strict to be with the kids or whether to make a major purchase, we...
a. discuss all sides and possibilities, then agree on a resolution
b. decide who will give in (usually me-usually him/her), in other words, one of us rules the roost
c. move from discussion to major conflict-often without successful resolution-or one of the us just withdraws
d. add the question to our list of "battle issues" in our ongoing, marital conflict
17. Being away from each other, even briefly as on an overnight business trip...
a. constitutes a hard-to-endure time during which we both look forward eagerly to reunion-and we really do enjoy "the reunion"
b. is something we've become more used to over time-but we still really miss each other
c. constitutes something that can give us some relief from conflict, hassles, etc
d. has come to be viewed as a high point in our "existence"
18. If I had my choice...
a. my spouse and I would spend an extended time together on a trip to some special enjoyable place
b. we'd do a short trip together-we seem to become bored with each other
c. we wouldn't go anywhere together-it's not worth the hassles, besides there are too many responsibilities at home
d. I'd take an extended trip to Tahiti-without my spouse
19. Weekend or overnight "romantic" getaways are...
a. regular items-scheduled-and sources of great enjoyment
b. occasional treats-wish they could be more often
c. items we feature much less on our schedule than we used to
d. part of our past-if we ever included them
20. Our other friendships (with couples, individuals, etc)...
a. never precede our relationship with each other, but they actually seem to strengthen and enhance our relationship
b. can either help us or, as sometimes happens, detract from our relationship
c. are non-existent-we have no other friends, just the two of us
d. are a source of continual problems and conflicts
SCORING: To determine the status of the Courtship Factor in your marriage, give yourself 5 points for every "a", 3 points for every "b", 1 point for every "c", and zero for every "d" answer. Then go back and add up your points, how did you rate?
80-100 You're courting-keep up the good work
60-80 You need a "courtship tune-up"
40-60 I recommend you start courting-and fast.
Less than 40 You probably need more than just a book, you may need a counselor, pronto
How'd you do? I will honestly say that I saw a lot of areas of my marriage that could be improved! For some of you, this test may have been a big eye-opener to some holes in your marriage. For those that answered mainly "c" or "d" answers, my heart goes out to you and your marriage. God did not intend for your marriage to be in this state - He desires for you to have all the wonderful things He planned for your marriage - and He still can change your marriage!! I encourage each of you reading to take some time to pray, maybe even fast and pray, over some specific changes you would like to see changed in your marriage. Come back periodically and re-quiz your marriage and see if your score improves!
Let me end this post with some encouraging words from Zig: "I believe you can make a bad relationship much, much better and a good relationship magnificent" I want to strive for my marriage to be and always be magnificent!
Tiffany
Look for more marriage tips and encouragement to follow on this blog in the future!
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